A Sense of Sadness

by

Crystal J. Ortmann

Darkness still covers the land. It is early morning and I ponder deep things. No sounds intrude and I feel a sense of sadness mounting. You see, it’s almost Christmas.
Frank and I are still struggling with our finances after five layoffs. We just declared bankruptcy. We don’t even know how we will make it financially through the next two weeks. I see others scurrying about, writing cards, buying gifts and getting a tree—things most take for granted.
Yet, it is not for us. There is no money for a tree, cards, stamps, or gifts. It makes me sad. I would love to bless people, especially those I love the most. I don’t want to pity myself, but sometimes the sorrow comes out.

Frank has been a manager most of our married life. We have overcome huge obstacles--financial and otherwise, throughout our 27years of marriage. Yet, now he is driving a delivery truck and I am ill. My writing career seems to be going nowhere. What happened to us? There has been blow after financial blow. We just never get ahead. We lost almost everything--and now, bankruptcy. Self-pity rises like the tide and threatens to break over me. I hate these trials. They make me feel like I’m always on the outside looking in on what normal people are able to do. Why me, Lord?
I feel so badly for Frank and the blows he has experienced. He searches constantly for a better job, but nothing seems to gel. I don’t see how he can stand it--yet, he does. I do too—and I know why. We both love Jesus and we love each other. We committed to be faithful in poverty or wealth. It’s not an option to try to get out of our marriage. The commitment and the grace of Jesus Christ is what holds us together and makes our marriage strong through devastating circumstances.
Our relationship with our Savior gives purpose and meaning to our lives, despite tribulation. It is our faith that helps us through times of doubt and despair. God alone is able to help us recognize the true meaning of Christmas. It doesn’t have anything to do with all the commercialism, frantic activity, trees, cards or gifts. Those are all lovely ways of expressing God’s love to others, but are not the true meaning of Christmas.

During this time of deprivation, I find myself thinking of the blessings that are mine.
• I have a strong, enduring and satisfying marriage.
• We are surrounded by loving and caring people.
• We are secure in our love for God and His for us.
• We have been blessed in the most precious of ways—good friends and loving family members.
• So many have blessed us with their financial generosity and by bringing us food, clothing, and other treats.
• We have many prayer partners who care and share their love with us.
• We are able to be still and enjoy the peace of the Christmas season—stripped of all the trappings that often obscure what it’s all about.

Come to think of it, we are exceedingly blessed. Although success in the worldly sense isn’t ours at this time, we are successful in the eyes of God, because we trust in Him. A sense of sadness comes and goes and is even a normal thing for such circumstances, but we don’t need to live there. God can take our sorrow and make it into a beautiful thing, if we let Him.

This was written at a time when we were going through one of many periods of unemployment. I pray it will touch someone's heart with hope and blessing.